I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
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It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
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It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
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