The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
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