I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
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we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
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I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
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