i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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