i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Is there some kind of disinfectant spray people use? Why would anyone want to eat ass??
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
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I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
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Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
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