well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
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My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
So squirting runs in the family.
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You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
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