i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
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I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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