I want to have your abortion
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
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