woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
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