i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
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