Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
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