he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
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