the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
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You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
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I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
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