Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
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You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
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We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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