So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize