Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
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you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
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Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
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