We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
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She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
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I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
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