Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
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