I can feel you judging me through the phone.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
Randomize