I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
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