He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
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He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
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You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
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