I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
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We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
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Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
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