You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
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Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
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Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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