I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
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