I accidentally burped into my bong.
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
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you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
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"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
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