i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
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its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
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I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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