By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
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I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
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He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
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