Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
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