a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
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There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
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I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
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