Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
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she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
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Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
I use my feet as sexual weapons
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
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