WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
I wish there were birth control emojis
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
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