this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
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I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
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guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
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