Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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