Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
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I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
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Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
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