I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
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It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
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2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
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