I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
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I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
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Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
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