She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
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Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
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Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
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