Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
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In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
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I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
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