got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
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I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
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I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
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