When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
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