Im at strip club and am horny
I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
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Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
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Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
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