Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
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It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
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You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
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