M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
Too much gin, very little bucket
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Randomize