Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
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i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
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The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
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