i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
why is jon gosselin on the news 24/7 for dating some new lady?? how bout I get on msnbc for not getting laid since forever ago
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
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I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
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Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
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