so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
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I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
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This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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