2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
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