i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
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I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
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You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
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