DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
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she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
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Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
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