My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
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the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
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